ankharaneun

Trippy thoughts

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 10:43:52 GMT

The world fades in to black. Thoughts of gray and white.

Colours appear normal yet they don't have the same colour

they once had. The sky seems to cry out some body elses name

and you wonder where did my name go? Who was that person

that once cried out my name? And where did they go that

life seemed so perfect? She stands over the edge of the

world some where between a dagger and the egde of a knife.

Seems like the same thing both blades are different and

which one should she choose if any of them at all? Like

walking on a fine line of insanity and perfection. Nothing

makes any sense and she cries to her beloved sky in hopes

of comfort because kissing the moon no longer feels safe

and through the looking glass of stars she touches the soft

reflective glass pressing her hand though to find herself

on the other side of reality, and its not where she wants

to be, but the other sides more trippy then the first time

she took acid and saw a thousand sparkling lights that

float in her imagination over and over again. Even now she

wakes to little sparkles in her eyes but when the daylight

hits her face the lights go out and she is not herself

anymore because she remembers what the night was like. Shes

never her self only when her thoughts come out on

scribbling paper is she real. She says "I just want to be

real." Shes like a cartoon, a painted image of her past, a

porcilean doll on a petistal beautiful and perfect but she

was never really there, she wasn't real to begin with.

Colours seem to go through her swirling together but they

don't have any meaning.Theres dragons of pencil etechings

floating along in her head and they have horns of all

shapes and sizes none that have ever been seen to the eyes

of the world. God gave her a gift of trippy and magnetic

thoughts and images she can't even begin to explain or

paint on the canvass. Their dying to come out she sees them

every night and waits for the morning to erase all beauty

as the sun burns her eyes so that she might forget her

memory of them. Not that she wants to. But the moon clouds

her mind and waits for him to call her by some one elses

name other then failer. Inside is a world waiting to be

discovered, Blue trees with white leaves and purple flowers

alined in a row going down a narrow path where white little

mock orange flowers have fallen and in the distance is a

house made of wood with ivy growing alone the walls its

old and musty but thats how she likes it, she pushes the

door open and some times there a man waiting for her on the

other side more beautiful then anything shes seen. Holding

out is hand to take her for a ride. Other times its another

mirror shes walks through into another world and every time

she see her reflection but shes not the same in every image

of her self, Theres to much of her to be the same thing

everytime, shes more then just the image everyone sees, shes

tries to show them with her hair or how she dresses some

times through words but they never make any sense and so

the thoughts come out like mumbled confusions each

contradicting the other and broken sentences of fragmented

ideas. Because she thinks in pictures and sees the image

before she sees the words. Fragments, fragmentations ,

always broken ideas. Never seeming to go any where but into

one brain and out the other, or maybe their meant for a

different person, but even in that thought she realizes she

still prefferes cocoanuts.

meh Idonno

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 00:12:35 GMT

Well I haven't written in here for awhile so i'm going to update some things.
Hum where to begin. Well I guess with work I have been an assistant manager for almost a year now, I am also an Accessory Manager( I'm in charge of five girls to put out earings and necklaces...yey). As well as being a regular manager. I'm trying to get promoted, we'll see how that goes. I no longer have black hair. In fact its been red for I think a year and a half. Except its now done to my butt and has neon orange, yellow orange, blonde, and burgandy extentions in. Which I learned to do myself. I'm going to be 22 soon ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Thats crazy. Years are going by too fast, I'll tell ya.
I'm now a Christain. Many of you that knew me from the past are probibily wondering how in the hell that happend. Well let me tell you, it all started with a crazy guy named Chris. Hehe Love you hunny. Any way I've been Christain for almost 7 months now and honestly it has saved my life litterly. I have never been more happier in my whole life. I have quit smoking for about 5 months well five months and one week on wednesday. Hum i'm now losing train of thought, oh I am very much happily taken. I think thats it, for now Idonno. I'm really loopy I haven't slept yet, atleast from last night any way talk to you later folks byeeeeeeeee.

user token

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 23:08:00 GMT

whats a user token and can I change my name with out paying for it? cuz honestly I don't think a person should pay to change their user name. But any way, thats all for now.

question?????

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 07:16:42 GMT

how does one change their journal screen name with out get another journal? If it can be done? I'd like to know.

my trip to virgina

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 01:27:08 GMT

Music:Lord of the Rings soundtrack, 16th of May'04

I arrived at 8pm carring my belongings and my mind soaring with thoughts. I waited for you out in front of the airport. I was nervous, my hands shaking, anticipating whats to come next. We had not met but I knew your face. And when you came towards me I sprang from my position to excited to sit still. You bowed to me extending your hand, instead I ran to your arms , to excited for formal greetings. Two years we had been waiting, two years of only our voices to comfort us.I stayed in your arms to noticed you were nervous too. You smiled, kissed my hair and said your happy to see me.
We sat in the back seat of the car, heads resting on each others shoulders, and the wind in our face. You couldn't stop kissing my hand and holding me to you. I leaned in and we had our first kiss. You wanted another one and we did it again. We talked brifly of my trip on the plane. But over all we were fine not saying a word in each others arms.
We arrived at your apartment and you seemed so pleased that it stayed clean and your roomates didn't destroy it. I remained quite, anticipation and nervousness was abound me, what could I do, you were so beautiful. You looked different then in your photo, yet I knew it was still you and I repsected that the 2d image would appear different in life.
We stood out on your belcony having a ciggerette, I looked out at the mountains and remembered my excitement on the plane when I saw them. We don't have mountains where I live.
We talked in your room laughing and playing like little kids, you holding me in your arms and found where I'm ticklish. I couldn't stop smiling.We made a pizza and smoked more ciggerettes. You made me a drink and we talked in our joy of ideas and memories. I remember your touch and your hair on my skin. I remember the feeling and the joy I was in. Entangled in each others arms and legs wrapped around you made love to me and I saw that you cared. I felt beautiful and you found my soul.
I awoke to sweat stained sheets, and the sun pouring into your room, and you laying next me and realized all this happend in one night. 4 days of pleasure, 4 days of fun.

Day 2 you took me into town and I realized that everyones a hippie and all their stores are of that nature. You bought me a skirt and we couldn't stop kissing. I took your picture and you took mine.The heat poured into us and passion is sometimes to strong for words.

Friday you took me to a magic place, a circle of trees and stones like anchient ruins forgotten and hidden, and we felt the spirites within. We rode in the car and the sent of ciggerettes and insense surrounded us with the wind on our face. And I felt how perfect this is . I wish everyday could be like this.
Saturday we finished my roll of film and you took me out to eat, we ate italian and you were skiddish of the calamari. Later that night we got drunk and talked about all things magical and the worlds we're from. I ran out of smokes and demanded that we go find more. We stood up and began to play fight, you laughed at me trying and I said I was drunk, you laughed some more and said it was cute,yet you were worried if I could make it to the gorcerie store. The night continued in cheers, laugher and joy.
We lay silent together the moon in our eyes. Sweat still attached to us after hours of love.By now we weren't so modest, we lay naked falling asleep and I said I wanted to tell you something, but I'm scared of saying it. You told me to anyway. " I love you" you held me close and said "I love you too."
We stood together at the gate looking at each other not leting go of the other. "I have to go" I said "I don't want you to go" "me niether. " We kissed and held on still not letting go. Finaly we knew it was time. I turned around reached my stuff "I love you" "I love you too" you kissed my hand and I was gone. I walked through security feeling you still behind me, watching me leave. I couldn't look back the pain hurt too much I wanted to stay. I sat on the plane watching as your world strank in the distance. I watched the mountains disend over hills and vallies and I knew you were somewhere amoung them.
I'll remember the heat and the sweat, I'll remember the trees and the wind on my face, I"ll remember the sent of ciggerettes on the belcony over looking the mountains and the taste of chartrueuse in my mouth. I'll remember sleeping and your body with mine, I'll remember the magic place and our talks. But mostly I'll remember you, you'll see me again.

fucking valintines day!!!!

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 07:39:28 GMT

Nic if you read the last entry its not an angery poem, just metaphoric details of our relationship, what i'm feeling whats going on , cuz hunny I don't hate you, i'm just frustrated and I hate valintines day, I think the person who descided to create valintines day as a comerical holiday made it to rub in the faces of those who don't have some one, I mean why should love be celibrated on one day it should be everyday, whenever you want, whenever your inlove.

To my Dear Nic

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 07:32:52 GMT

Shes lying on broken wings, fading into broken images,falling into something so real. Fix me up my broken dolly, fix me up my ducktape girl, fix me up cigerrette smile. It all goes from here. Shes crying on feathered hair,technocoloured rainbow dreams. Fix me up shattered glass, fix me up game boy geek, fix me up hollow shell. It all comes down to this. Shes bleeding caffiene sleep, retail queen, shes singing painted tears, scribbled fears. Fix me up rose petal lips, fix me up spiky hairs, fix me up usless straped up cares. It all went down from there.

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 10:34:53 GMT

heh think everyone knows this
Your Heart is Red

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 10:20:42 GMT

awesome.
Weapons are not your thing. You would prefer to
pummel your opponent to death with your fists
and feet. You show a lot of Honor but some
power still eludes you. I can give you this
power, I can make you stronger, join me.

How would you Murder?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 10:12:23 GMT

ok what the fuck I try the test like three more times and changed my answers to some of the other answers that apply to me and some how I still have game boy girl. I don't even like video games or punk music,except for the ramones and sex pistols they rock.

doing funny test late at night

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 10:03:15 GMT

ok so some how i got this test doesn't seem like me but ok lets try this again.
A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven albums.
Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.
Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.

Your Personality type is the only type that would
like this cool Vampire Game:

www.life-blood.vze.com

What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

new test

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 09:46:30 GMT

which fairy are you?
Tree Fairy thats what you are
Please rate my quiz even if it is a 1 thanks

Which Fairy are you?(for anyone many out comes)
brought to you by Quizilla

new test

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 09:37:03 GMT

what mythological creature are you? somw how I got Gargoyle though everyone I knows I'm more Elvin/Vampyric...weird Idonno.
You are Form 4, Gargoyle: The Fallen.

"And The Gargoyle mended his wings from the
blood of the fallen so he could rise up from
imprisonment. With great speed and
resourcefulness, Gargoyle made the world his
for the taking."

Some examples of the Gargoyle Form are Daedalus
(Greek) and Mary Magdalene (Christian).
The Gargoyle is associated with the concept of
success, the number 4, and the element of wood.
His sign is the new moon.

As a member of Form 4, you are a creative and
resourceful individual. You are always
thinking of possible solutions to problems you
face and you generally choose one that is
right. Much of your success comes from your
ability to look at things a little differently
than everyone else. Gargoyles are the best
friends to have because they don't always take
things for face value.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

meh

Fri, 12 Sep 2003 01:49:09 GMT

ok yeah alot has happened sense then well I have a job at forever 21 clothing store at mall of america and hum Nic bought a kitty i helped him pick it out shes so cute he named her Cornpuff the Wrath of God yeah ok nic is a geek but yeah.anyway yeah thats my life. pretty much yep. ok I'll write later.

ooorah!!!!!!

Tue, 19 Aug 2003 17:54:46 GMT

Things in my life are just getting better and better. So I woke up this morning thinking I'm going to go to an interveiw. Which turns out I would have the job if my references pull through. Hope they do. And my boyfriend and I got back together last night so thats cool. And so when I got home and got online I met some who tells me that I'm on goth babe of the week, so I look it up and sure enough I am on goth babe of the week. Which is very cool. Never really thought I would be on there but thats awesome.And I would like to thank Alex for being there and being a cool friend supporting me and keeping my sanity. So I hope his first day at work was also cool. Any way that completes my journal for the day or whatever. Hope the rest of you people are happy and having fun.

how fucked up are you?

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 18:13:14 GMT

table width="300" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" border="0"><tr><td width="180">Disorder</td><td width="120">Rating</td></tr><tr><td>Paranoid:</td><td>High</td></tr><tr><td>Schizoid:</td><td>Low</td></tr><tr><td>Schizotypal:</td><td>Very High</td></tr><tr><td>Antisocial:</td><td>Moderate</td></tr><tr><td>Borderline:</td><td>Moderate</td></tr><tr><td>Histrionic:</td><td>Very High</td></tr><tr><td>Narcissistic:</td><td>Moderate</td></tr><tr><td>Avoidant:</td><td>High</td></tr><tr><td>Dependent:</td><td>High</td></tr><tr><td>Obsessive-Compulsive:</td><td>High</td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" align="center">
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --</td></tr></table>

what care bear are you?

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 17:54:46 GMT

Nihilist Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

YEY!!!!!!

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 05:40:42 GMT

I'm excited I have two interviews.One at Forever 21 clothing store at the mall of america and New York Learners clothing store same place. Hopfully I'll get one of them atleast. I have had a few people helping me but I have to say thanks to Alex for being there and helping me out.And for god sakes keeping modivated. Its a nice feeling to know that your starting to do something in your life. Its not like I haven't had people telling me that I needed a job shit even myself told me that.But no one has had the modivation to keep me going and actully make sure I do it. Most just said "hey you need a job" but they would usually put me down for not having one, instead of making me feel good and say your not worthless you just need direction, you just needed the right apporach. And I'm greatful for that. Any way I should go to bed now so that I can get up and be ready for the interview. Goodnight.

don't you like when you find music that sutes your sitituation

Thu, 14 Aug 2003 23:23:48 GMT

"shes looking in the mirror shes fixing her hair and I touch my head to make sure it is near, shes humming a melody we learned in grade school, shes happy and I think this is not cool I know the guy shes talking about I have met him before, and I think what is this beautiful beautiful women settling for?,she bends her breath when shes talks to him I can see her features begin to blur,as she pours herself into the mold he made for her,and for everyting he does she has a way to rationalize, she tells me he don't mean what he do, she tells me he called to apolgize, and he says he loves her he says he changing, that he can keep her warm, she sits there like america suffering through slow form , but she'll never get back the time and the years sneak by one by one, she is still playing the marter and I'm still prying for revolution, and she still doesn't have what she deserves but she wakes up smiling everyday, she never really expected more thats not the way we are raised and I say to her "you know theres alot of great men out there" but doesn't hear me shes looking in the mirror shes fixing her hair" Ani Defranco

where have all the stars gone?

Sun, 10 Aug 2003 21:11:26 GMT

She's scribbling words on crumpled paper, wishing for one last chance. "Love is a dream of many shards of peices that were once put together to make a whole only one is missing" She looks at the poem of her own words trying to find that one hidden meaning. She looks down at the shards of her broken mirror, her shattered vanity, placing them together to make her complete. They fit nicely neatly in place, only one is missing. She looks around her room for the one peice that made her joy. But it wasn't there, she looks and noticed he's gone, if only theres was something she could do to bring him back. She cries at the results in her selfish pain."What have I done?" She thinks to her self "I'll make it right" she recites lyrics to songs that make her feel, realizing they were all just dreams,of something so real.She cries more in saltery tears. "I never ment to make him hate me I never ment to hurt him, for all the things I've done couldn't undo,for all the things I've said but never ment, if only time could go back, I would dream of a love that even time would stay still for." She weaps now not for herself. But for the pain shes caused. She wishes now only for his happiness, for him to be happy, happy with out her. It hits her harder, wishing there was something she could do. Instead she'll cry alone in her guilt, curelled in feital posision looking at the stars whispering in tears only one understands "come back...come back..come back....."

the movie i belong in (my quiz results heh)

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:26:14 GMT

Nightmare Before Christmas!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

do I need one?

Sun, 20 Jul 2003 00:43:45 GMT

Hands shaking, adrenlyne running, heart breaking,bordem breathing. Mind racing, thoughts boiling, battling, taking over, she waits. How far will this carousel go, same thing over and over again never ending and never a point. Is there any reason at all? She waits. Ever waiting. She tires of waiting she walks away, refusing to let go, but she has no choice... She keeps walking, and doesn't look back.

Xfest!!!!!!

Sun, 25 May 2003 23:37:52 GMT

Well I just got back from Xfest.For those that don't know what Xfest is its kinda like Woodstock, outdoor concerts and camping. Well me and my friends only go to party and get drunk and what not, its really fun.This year was great but shit I got so drunk there are parts that I don't remember, such as how I got into my tent thursday night. I was told that I past out on the picknick table and was carried into my tent and before that one of my friends asked if anyone needed any thing from the grocery store apparently I asked for grannola bars cookies and cream flavor I don't remember this at all. We had a good laugh in the morning. Atleast I didn't get as bad a Cassie, all weekend she said she wasn't going to get drunk well satuday night comes along the night of the Wopp and she gets sooo smashed goes to bed, wakes up and passes out in front of her tent, wakes up and wondering in to the sitting area around the camp fire and flashes everyone her boobs and then goes back to bed. In the morning we all asked if she had fun last night and she blinks and says all I did was go to bed, they tell her the story she freaks out and laughs and realizes thats why theres dirt on her socks. Well I later on the night also passed out but I woke up not in my tent, I woke up in my friends tent with another girl and him, but we were all still in our coats and what with on blankit and well I remember while trying to pass out I thought this jog that said Ice Mountain water was water it wasn't it was Death Rum how lovly.lol yeah it was a wild weekend thats for sure.If you want here more email me or something. Cuz theres alot to tell.

thoughts on sarah my best girl

Thu, 27 Mar 2003 01:46:10 GMT

This is nothing against my baby but something I wrote awhile ago about her read it to her she said she liked it and it was exactly how she is or was.
she stares out at nothing waiting for something, anything. she's doing so much harm, causing so much damge, but you don't want to get involved, you tell her she can manage, but you can't help the way she feels, you know she won;t hear it, but you could put your arm around her. so you try and you fail because any thing you do isn;t good enough as you watch her fall. smoking one cigarette after another , swalling pills to make her better, watching as she eats nothing because to her , her body is unattractive. you never thought you'd think she's beautiful, you never thought you'd know her. But here you are watching as she throws it all away. she holds more mystery then any other girl you've met, you don't want to let her go, but you can't help the way she feels , watch her beauty bloom as her photography progresses, but she doesn't think shes good, you tell her compliaments of priase because to you , you could never do such a good job. she has all this talent cluttered together in a being that falls a part everyday, you enter her room , a space just as cluttered as her, you wonder through trying not to brake anything precious but you know you already have , because she crys so many times. you try to sit among pills of clothes and the history of a girl once so alive , she still in there some where beneath all the pain and confusion you catch glimpes when she shows you her writing. but now your frustrated but you can't help the way she feels , but you wish that she could hear you. But know she's not lissoning, in her world its her boy, and you tell her you love her and get mmmmmk, you tell your sad but it goes right through,so you shut up , cuz you think your problems don't matter or you say them to much. You wish were just as important as he is, like in the begining. So you shut up so she'll start comming back , and think is this what i'm left to? So she'll notice you again , and yet you still love her. But you can't help the way she feels , shes doing so much harm causing so much damage, now you want to get involved , you tell her she can manage, but you can't help the way she feels but you could put your arm around her. Becuase shes all thats left.

ello

Thu, 27 Mar 2003 01:30:13 GMT

this messege is for my dear friend aaron HI got your message but I lost your email address and so send it back to me and like yeah ps this is my email. Shadowlady80@hotmail.com
ok hope to here from you soon.